[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it