If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
your honor my client chooses dare
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
What.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car