Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
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Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on