*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before