My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
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If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.