7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
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RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.