Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
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I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.