My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Baller is short for ballerina
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.