I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
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5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Hot Hot Hot
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.