It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
me hooking up with my ex
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
“our sushi is very fresh”
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Pigeon open mic night.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…