All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
That’s not how days work.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever