I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
You Might Also Like
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Not all heroes wear capes…
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
When they try to steal your moment.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?