My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
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Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.