Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
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elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
What about a To-Don’t List?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭