Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
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There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
When ur friends with white people
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
can’t catch a break
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?