Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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Good point.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed