uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
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If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
An odd boast
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.