I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
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50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
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50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
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ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Spring of Deception
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.