[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
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Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
A completely valid reaction tbh
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Not today, today.
Not today.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.