How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
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God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
catch me on valentine’s day like
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.