Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
The sacred texts.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
is this a warning or an offer?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually