It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
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“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
How dude HOW?!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing