I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
want me to check your oil?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.