me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
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Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
🤣🤣🤣
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Meow
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.