Do not levitate over flowers
You Might Also Like
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex