So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I put the mess in domestic.
me
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”