He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job