I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*