Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.