we all know this pain all too well
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Worst bar ever.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try