NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
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I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.