Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
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If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I hope Alan is OK