imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
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sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
From my Mom
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room