If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
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Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime