[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
You wish you had this many chins.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.