Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
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Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?