If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
It’s the weekend y’all
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot