Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
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Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you