i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
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Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
never forget
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.