I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
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SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I bet
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you