My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
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ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Made something I’m not proud of