Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
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I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
do what now??
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
did it work
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.