My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
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Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Go girl power!
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.