Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]