“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
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My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
when revenge coincides with naptime
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.