This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
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My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
“I’m helping” 😅
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me