When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
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Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.