I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”