3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
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[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
mariah carrie
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee