Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.